എൻ്റെ മഹാപാതകം

ഭൂതകാലത്തിലേക്ക് എത്തിനോക്കിയപ്പോൾ അറിയാതെ മനസ്സിൽ ഒരു വേദനയുണ്ടായി. ഞാനായി ഉണ്ടാക്കിയ മുറിവുകൾ വീണ്ടും കുത്തിനോവിക്കുന്നു. നഷ്ട്ടപെട്ടതെല്ലാം, നഷ്ട്ടപെട്ടവരെല്ലാം എന്നെ നോക്കി ചിരിക്കുന്നു. എൻ്റെ തെറ്റ് തന്നെ. ഞാൻ ചെയ്‌ത മഹാപാതകത്തിന്റെ ശിക്ഷ.

മാതാപിതാക്കളെ അനുസരിച്ച് ബഹുമാനിച്ച് ജീവിച്ചു. അനിയത്തിയെ പൊന്നുപോലെ സ്നേഹിച്ചു. സുഹൃത്തുക്കളെയും കുടുംബക്കാരെയും സ്നേഹിച്ചു. എല്ലാവർക്കും വേണ്ടത് കൊടുത്തു. എല്ലാവര്ക്കും വേണ്ടിയത് ചെയ്‌തു. എല്ലാവരുടെയും നല്ലപട്ടികയിൽ പങ്കാളിയായി. 

ഒടുവിൽ പരാജയങ്ങളുടെ ഊഴമായി. പരാജയങ്ങൾ കണ്ണിന് മൂടൽ നൽകി. ചുറ്റും വെളിച്ചം വിതറിനിന്നവർ പെട്ടെന്ന് അകന്ന് പോയി. ചിലരെ കരഞ്ഞുവിളിച്ചു. അവരുടെ കാതുകളിൽ മറ്റ് ധ്വനികൾ വന്നിടിഞ്ഞു. എൻ്റെ തെറ്റിന്റെ ഫലം ഞാൻ തിരിച്ചറിയുകയായിരുന്നു.

വിജയങ്ങൾക്ക് ക്രെഡിറ്റ് എടുക്കാൻ ആളുകൾ കൂട്ടംകൂട്ടമായി വന്നത് ഓർമ്മയുണ്ടെനിക്ക്. എന്നാൽ തളർന്നപ്പോൾ, വീണപ്പോൾ, പരാജയപ്പെട്ടപ്പോൾ, "എല്ലാം നീ മൂലം മാത്രം" എന്നവർ പറഞ്ഞ് കൈയൊഴിഞ്ഞു. വിജയങ്ങൾ എനിക്ക് മാത്രമായി ഇല്ലായിരുന്നു. അതിനാൽ തോൽവികൾ ഞാൻ ഏറ്റുവാങ്ങി. അത് ഞാൻ തന്നെ നേടിയെടുത്തതല്ലേ! അപ്പോൾ അതിന്റെ ക്രെഡിറ്റ് എനിക്ക്!

മനസ്സിൽ വീണ്ടും വിഷമങ്ങൾ കുന്ന് കൂടി വരുന്നു. ആരും വായിക്കാത്ത ഈ ബ്ലോഗിൽ ഞാൻ എന്നത്തേയും പോലെ അതെഴുതിച്ചേർക്കുന്നു. ഒറ്റക്കായിരുന്നു. പക്ഷെ ഇന്ന് ഞാൻ എന്നെത്തന്നെ ഒറ്റപെടുത്തുകയാണ്. ബന്ധങ്ങളെന്ന ബന്ധനങ്ങളെ ഭയക്കുന്നതിനാലാകാം. അല്ലെങ്കിൽ ഇനിയും തോൽക്കാൻ കെൽപ്പില്ലാത്തതാകാം. എന്തെന്നാലും ഇതും എൻ്റെ തീരുമാനം തന്നെ.

മഹാപാതകം എന്റെ തന്നെ. എല്ലാവരെയും സ്നേഹിച്ച വേളയിൽ ഞാൻ എന്നെത്തന്നെ സ്നേഹിച്ചിരുന്നെങ്കിൽ... എനിക്കായി ജീവിച്ചിരുന്നെങ്കിൽ...എനിക്കായി വാദിച്ചിരുന്നെങ്കിൽ, പോരാടിയിരുന്നെങ്കിൽ... ഇന്ന് ഒരു ചുട്ടുകറ്റയെങ്കിലും എനിക്കായി വെളിച്ചം വിതറിയേനേ...

സമയം കടന്നുപോയ്യി. ഉപയോഗിക്കേണ്ടവർ ഉപയോഗിച്ച്, ചവച്ചു തുപ്പിക്കളഞ്ഞു. ചണ്ടി മാത്രമായി. ഇനി ദ്രവിച്ച് തീരുന്നത് വരെ കാത്തിരിക്കാം. ഇല്ലെങ്കിൽ സ്വയം ദ്രവിക്കാൻ ശ്രമിക്കാം. ഇനിയും ബന്ധങ്ങളെ ആശ്രയിക്കാൻ വയ്യ, കഴിയില്ല....ഭയം കാർന്ന് തിന്നുകയാണ് എന്നെ. പോയാൽ മതിയെനിക്ക്...എല്ലാം വിട്ട്, എന്നെന്നേക്കുമായി...

എങ്കിലും ആഗ്രഹിക്കുന്നു....വാക്കുകളാൽ പറയാൻ കഴിയാത്തതിനാൽ....

എനിക്കൊന്ന് കരയാൻ ഒരു തോളെങ്കിലും ഉണ്ടായിരുന്നെങ്കിൽ....

ഇല്ലേ?

സാരമില്ല 

വായിക്കാത്ത അനേകം വാക്കുകളിൽ ഒന്നായി ഇതും അലിഞ്ഞുതീരട്ടെ...

വിട

ഇന്ന് ജൂൺ 23. പണ്ടൊക്കെ എനിക്ക് ഏറേ പ്രിയപ്പെട്ട ഒരു ദിനം. ജൂൺ 11, ജൂലൈ 25, സെപ്റ്റംബർ 9, ഒക്ടോബർ 7, നവമ്പർ 5, മേയ് 18, എന്നി ദിനങ്ങൾപോലെ പ്രിയപ്പെട്ടത്. പക്ഷെ ഇന്നെനിക്ക് മറ്റേതൊരു ദിനം പോലെയാണ്. തെറ്റ് എന്റേത് തന്നെ. കാരണം ഒരിക്കലും ഏപ്രിൽ 21 എന്റെ പ്രിയദിനങ്ങളിൽ ഒന്നായിരുന്നില്ല.

മറ്റുള്ളവർക്ക് മനസും ഹൃദയവും കർമവായം ധർമ്മവും പകുത്തു നൽകി, എല്ലാവരെയും സന്തോഷിപ്പിക്കാനും മറ്റുമായി ഓടിനടന്ന കാലുകൾ ഇന്നും ഓടുകയാണ്. അതും ആർക്കോ വേണ്ടി. പക്ഷെ ഇപ്പോൾ അത് കടം തീർക്കലാണ്. സ്നേഹത്തിന്റെ വിത്തുകൾ മനസ് വിട്ട് പോയിരിക്കുന്നു.

എനിക്കായി ഞാനീ കാലുകൾ ചലിപ്പിച്ചിട്ടുണ്ടോ? എന്റെ കരങ്ങൾ, എന്റെ മനസ്.... എന്തിന്, എൻ്റെ ഹൃദയം പോലും എനിക്കായി മിടിച്ചില്ല. ഏതെങ്കിലും ഒരു ഹൃദയമെങ്കിലും എനിക്കായി ചലിക്കും എന്ന് കരുതി. വിശ്വസിച്ചു. പ്രണയത്തിൽ നിന്നും, സൗഹ്രദത്തിൽ നിന്നും, അമ്മയിൽനിന്നും അച്ഛനിൽനിന്നും....ആരെങ്കിലും?

മണ്ടൻ. മറ്റുള്ളവരുടെ അവയങ്ങൾ നിനക്കായി പ്രവർത്തിക്കും എന്ന് വിശ്വസിച്ച മരമണ്ടൻ.

ഒടുവിൽ ഒറ്റപ്പെട്ടപ്പോൾ മൂഢനായത് ആര്? ഞാൻ!

നല്ലത്. തിരിച്ചറിവ് എന്നും നല്ലത് തന്നെ.

ഞാൻ വിവേകശൂന്യനാണ്. വിഢിയാണ്. താന്തോന്നിയാണ്. മാനസികമായി മറ്റുള്ളവരെ വേദനിപ്പിക്കുന്നവനാണ്. ദ്രോഹിയാണ്. സ്നേഹമില്ലാത്തവനാണ്. അഹങ്കാരിയാണ്.

അത്തരത്തിലൊരാൾ ഏകനായില്ലെങ്കിലേ അത്ഭുതമുള്ളൂ.

ഞാൻ അകന്നപ്പോളും അവർ പറഞ്ഞു, "നീയാണ് അകലുന്നത്. മൂഢൻ!" ആരെയും വേദനിപ്പിക്കണം എന്നില്ലായിരുന്നു. പക്ഷെ കെട്ടിപിടിച്ചൊന്ന് കരയാൻ ആഗ്രഹിച്ചു. അപ്പോൾ ആരും ഉണ്ടായില്ല. ആഗ്രഹം അത്യാഗ്രഹമായി. മണ്ടത്തരങ്ങൾ ആവർത്തിച്ചു. പിന്നെയും ഒറ്റക്ക്.

നല്ലത്. ഏകാന്തത നല്ലത് തന്നെ.

എനിക്കറിയില്ല എങ്ങനെ പെരുമാറണം, എങ്ങനെ വസ്ത്രം ധരിക്കണം എന്ന്. മൂഡത്വം നിറഞ്ഞ മനസ് പേറിനടക്കുന്ന കഴുത. എഴുതാനറിയാം. അത്ര തന്നെ. അതല്ലാണ്ട് എനിക്ക് ഒന്നുമില്ല. ഞാൻ ആരുമല്ല.

നല്ലത്.

ഈ കഥയുടെ ക്ലൈമാക്സിലേക്ക് ഇനി യാത്ര. എല്ലാ കഥാപാത്രങ്ങളോടും വിട പറഞ്ഞ്, എന്നേനെക്കുമായി.

തുലഞ്ഞുപോകട്ടെ ഈ ജന്മം. മറ്റുള്ളവർക്കായി ജീവിച്ച ഈ നശിച്ച ജന്മം.

എങ്കിലും എവിടെയോ ഒരു ആഗ്രഹം. എന്നെങ്കിലും, ആരെങ്കിലും....ഒന്ന് പറഞ്ഞിരുന്നെങ്കിൽ....

നല്ലത്. അത് നടക്കാഞ്ഞത്.

വിട.

Postponing yet again

I was born a dreamer. I should have ripped off those dreams instead, for dreams are meant to be shattered.

First, I realized that not all my dreams will happen as I wanted. Next, I learned that failures are more frequent than successes. Soon, I realized that forever is merely a word. 'Friends forever' became a myth. Unconditional love was just fiction. And parents caring for me was just slightly different from nurturing a potential investment property. In such moments I realized that I was needed and not wanted, and all dreams, from the big and great ones to the small and simple ones, will simply destroy. Failing consistently, I saw that I was alone. I could make a team, or be a part of the team, but being a failure all along, I would just be a fragment no one would ever miss. A few mistakes I made, and I was judged on them. It's OK, for now I know that was not important, no were close to being significant. I am just a tiny speck. Blow me away, and one wouldn't bother to even find me! The scary part was, I never realized that I was the villain in my story. But it's OK, now I know my role. It is of dust, of the bystander, of a worthless being who existed merely because some people got horny some night.

It got worse. For everything going wrong around me, and to go through them alone, I started to feel that life itself was a lie, and started blaming the self. And so I decided to end it. But now I have decided to live!

I realize that if I die, it wouldn't hurt a soul, and wouldn't hurt me. So if death was to punish the self, wouldn't living be easier? Isn't living a miserable, lonely and ordinary long life punishment enough? Isn't having to live another day away from your dreams in the real world punishment enough? Isn't death merely the one good thing you give yourself? So I have decided to punish myself, by living a worthless long life.

He put down the blade and took a deep breathe. He had been postponing for quite sometime. Finding reasons to justify his existence. He crumbled his long note and threw it in the waste basket. Not that anyone would care what he wrote. The realization sunk in him deeply.

He found himself running out of reasons. Soon, his mind will be blank as his meaningless life. No more reasons to live. That day, the blade will laugh hysterically, for it's purpose will be served.

The blade waited, as so did his bike, rope, pills and everything else waiting their opportunity to take him to a world of emptiness. Because emptiness doesn't accompany loneliness, but the vast nothingness.

What Went Wrong with Us

When we were growing up, we were tied, bound and gagged with rules and conditions. We were asked by parents to respect elders; even that uncle who is a public nuisance, that cousin who touches you every now and then, even that gossiping aunt. We were not allowed to ask questions about our own body. When we growing up, we were asked to shut up by teachers when we ask doubts. We were considered idiots if we repeat a question. We were asked to by-heart our subjects, and never question them. We were asked to believe in one religion, and asked to shun other religions. We were shown romantic movies, where the couples were glorified, and slapped when we say we like someone. We were never hugged, for emotional attachment is a taboo. We were asked to shun our dreams and follow the set path of supposed prosperity, as said in the college brochures.

We were bred to be controlled, manipulated and obeyed. We were expected to follow the system. We were expected to be model citizens by being numb. We were expected to be the pride of the family by satisfying the needs and requirements of those who are distantly or nowhere related to us. We were asked to wear a suit, tie and a mask.

And now they ask us what went wrong. They ask us why we elected criminals. They ask us why we are desperate for love and sex. They ask us why there are growing number of graduates and less number of innovators. They ask us why we rely on drugs and alcohol.

And yet, they don't ask why we don't take vacations, why we don't follow our dreams, why we don't seem happy. They don't ask why we can't show them the love they failed to show us. They ask us why we are alienating ourselves from them.

You want to know what went wrong? YOU! You commanded us, you manipulated us, and you made us obey. But it's OK! You were made to do so, like the ones before you, and we will do so, like the ones after us. Because the system demands model citizens, and model citizens are nothing but idiots. So let us blame the system, let us blame each other, and find solace by not blaming the obvious, ourselves!

And so is an artist an ungrown child. And an adult is a mere body without a soul.

I was never that friend I thought I was

Do not get me wrong, but please get this right
I request you, understand my plight
You are no different, but you were special to me
But I'm not that friend I thought to be

I am the one you have on your wall
Among the thousand others, all and whole
On your FB wall you have some of them
Never have I been one among them

I'm the friend you need for the deed
I'm the friend you need
But I'm not the friend you want
I'm just a friend for you to rant

I'm not the friend that comes to your mind
When you want to run around blind
I'm the friend you remember when you yelp;
When you hit the wall and need real help

I'm not the friend that you want to stay
You got other friends, you have another way
For fun and joys you have other boulders
And to cry and whine, you have my shoulders

But it is OK, I am fine with it
Used to the life for as long as I remember it
The friend you want, I have never been
Just the friend you need, when the moment is green

But it's OK, I have come in term
With that fact that I am nothing but a worm
It's OK, I am today's flowers in the vase
For I'm never that friend I thought I was 

The Last Nights

I looked at my self. So pale. So white. So beautiful. The powdered face. The reddened cheeks. The lustful lips. Oh, why couldn’t I do it that well before? Perhaps everything is meant for a certain time. And the white dress? Enigmatic! I am in love with me. Or was I? Had I ever loved myself? Wasn’t the desire to be loved for me to love my self?

People I had known once came by and looked at me. They just walked by. Can’t blame them, they never saw me more than twice. But then came my old colleagues, college mates, school mates…. Some were emotional, some were stone faced, and some were just….them.

Then followed the besties. I hadn’t seen them in a long time. The concubine I hid myself was still evident, and the distance thus created had created a difficulty for them. They may have perhaps cared for me, or maybe they never did. Does it even matter anymore?

The parents and siblings came in the end, who hugged me and cried. Their loss on a living asset, a back-up plan, insurance, investment property…. Was I ever their child? Or have they failed in making me realize they loved me?

It didn’t matter. The cut wrists, the blue-coloured neck, the swollen eyes. It was three strikes that went successful. And now I see my self in a relaxing state. That was all I wanted….peace ad no more tensions. Just my self with me. This was perfect. I was having me-time with my self.

I might have wished for parents to ask me to take a break, but they never saw me, only the money I made. I might have wished for my friends to tell me that I am not alone, but they only saw a clown. I might have wished that I had someone to remind me that failures are natural, and even if I have to fight the whole world, they will be there to remind me that I can do it.

May be they had it in their minds. May be they didn’t. But once you ‘accept’ that you are alone, you start pushing people away. You try to find solace on your own for you start making yourself believe that you have only you. And when you stumble more, you realize that everything around you except you had you. So you will move to the last, resort. It might be stupid for you. I might never have had any problems worth doing it. But at my state, it was a blissful choice.

After all, I wanted to know who would come to see me when I did so. And here you are…

Darn, the alarm. It was a beautiful dream. She wakes up and looks around. One more day of chores, daily works, failed attempts and lonely slumbers. OK, get off the bed now!

As she brushes her teeth, she looks at the mirror, and sees her self’s tired lonely eyes. They might have been in a pool of tears the previous night, may be cause of a movie she watched, or a book she read, or because of the absence of words that didn’t pour into the screen as she wanted even after two hours.

She gets dressed, and goes to her office. Another day goes by as another second. In between she eats, works, eats, laughs, eats and comes back. Routine takes up the actual joys of life.

She watches the final episode of the show, and tries to write. Instead, she manages to write more words into the written letter she had prepared three months ago. She then looks at the calendar. Tomorrow is Wednesday. Gotta do it on Friday. Everyone will be free on Saturday and Sunday. They will be able to come then.

I will be noticed. I will have many people around me. They will tell others how important I actually was.

I am going to sleep well tonight as well.

As she lies on the cot and closes her eyes, she simply smiles, not wishing to wake up for another day of routine.

It’s Friday in three days.

2016 – A year of learning

Many people have got some bad stories to tell about 2016. For some, it is the rule of Modi. For some, it is the newly elected US President. For some it was the death of celebrities, while for some others it was the terrorist attacks in various parts of the world. Nevertheless, 2016 did hurt many of us, as it did help us. After all, an individual is simply an entity who is part of the society whilst being an independent being.

2016 was a year that gave me many hurdles to go through. A year where I made many mistakes, was deceived, and came across many painful realizations. Normally I would lament over those, at least to the close ones, but I found myself being mum to everyone. And here I am, publishing it in my blog, just so that the future me will remember this year. This article could also be one for the future to learn about me.

The year started off like none other, with new opportunities in my job and the promise of a dream.  Day 1 started with me losing my spectacles; never thought life wanted me to prepare for literal blindness. Soon, an old work came back to me with a handsome pay, which for once would make me go through life in a better fashion. Of course the pay wasn’t beneficial to me, but it would at least relax my life, or so I thought.

Taking that part-time job took a toll in my job as well as my health. Credibility I was to earned were new opportunities for others, while falls fell on me. And family requirements were to be paid off with the extras I earned, causing me to get worried. Even worse, an eviction notice hung upon my neck.

I no longer could write, so I resorted to drinking. Eventually I got bored, and decided to move out to a single room, so as to write better. But even before I could finalize on my decision, I heard of how feeble life could be, by learning of the demise of someone I knew dearly. What hurt more was my absence in their life for prolonged years, even though they were nice to me.

Moving out turned out to be a depressing choice and loneliness haunted me. I moved back after three months, only to a different room, where life got all smokey. Confusion rang upon me, and failures in my work and lack of savings killed me. Occasional phone calls reminding me of rents and payments converted me into a human ATM machine. And to top it all, I wasn’t able to write.

To make myself feel better, I resorted to the short film I wanted to work on for the past 3 years. Only, midway through the project, deceit came in the form of a friend I had dearly cared for, and the project fell apart. While the sudden departure of the performer halted my short film, finding a replacement found to be tyrannous job. I posted on Facebook, asked people to share it, but no one responded. And to create a poster, I needed a designer, at which point I realized that I was too weak to get a favor from those i considered friends. Lack of interest from everyone except me came after the deceit, and the project withered away.

Trust issues arose, affirmed by my own family, who told me that I was a disappointment. I was a disappointment because I couldn't do what they wanted me to do, and rather did what I wanted to do. What they never realized was that I was still doing things for them. If I were to follow what I wanted, I could have broken away long before. The reason I chose a steady job for the present, which has inadvertently affected my works.

At this stage I started realizing that the belief that someone would be by my side at a crisis was a mirage. A lie I had been telling myself. In reality, the battles were mine alone to fight, the pains were mine along to suffer. Only the victories were for the rest to enjoy. The pains were mine. And all I had was pain, and do I could see how alone I was.

People came with words, but words have limits. Sometimes what we need is someone to tell us that ‘Mistakes are fine, mistakes are learning steps. Learn from it. You are not alone.’ Even when you have to battle the entire world on your own, the thought of someone having faith in you could restore the courage. My courage depleted like a deflated balloon by around November.

What hurt me the most was the distance that grew between me and my godson, and I knew that I was the only one to blame. And slowly, I found myself being away from many people, and now I find myself alone in a desert, no longer expecting anything from anyone, though the carving still exists within.

As a result of everything that has happened, I learned a few things. I learned that I was weak, a pushover, pessimistic, conservative, selfish, arrogant, loveless. I learned that not everyone is selfish, but no one is selfless. And so, no one will stand by your side, unless there is something they can have from it. I learned that I deserve no one, for I have nothing to give, and no one has time for someone who has nothing to give, not even family. In other words, all that happened this year, it was my fault. I have no one else to blame but me. I am a disappointment, but only to myself. (Now that sounds like a suicide note of depressed person, but I am not depressed; I am merely an attention seeker)

In December I moved to a completely new place, and set myself a working environment, where I am writing this today. I have learned many things, like not to trust anyone, keep a distance from all; if anyone approaches you with sympathy, love or care, they are doing so for their own benefit; the concept of family, friends and love is a lie. I was just a pawn for many; once the use was over, I was nothing to them. I was an ATM machine; once the money was drained, they didn’t need me until the next payday. I was a comedian; for every court needed a fool.

This year was painful. I was hurt. I was stranded. I was punished. I was laughed upon. I was criticized. Above all, I was thought some lessons, which might have toughened me. I no longer know who I am, and I no longer know if there is anyone worth trusting or loving anymore. But let it be. For the greatest lesson that I have learned is, “THIS IS LIFE. YOU EITHER FUCK, OR GET FUCKED!”

Ever heard of a story where the good guy lives a good long life? In every story, the villain has a long-lasting reign, a hero goes through pain, and in the end the hero defeats the villain, and all of a sudden it is happily ever after ending. People try to say that you are you suffer now to endure joy in the end. What is the point of three minutes of joy after three decades of pain? And where is justice, if the villain reigned for three decades only to lose in the last three minutes?

We have all been advised that good deeds result in good IN THE END. The bad will be paid IN THE END. Until then, the good suffers, and the bad enjoys. A purposeless journey for an unknown goal. So if present is the only thing that we are aware of, shouldn’t one choose to be content and happy, rather than work for an unknown future?

\Why would you listen? After all, these are just words like any others. Except one day, this will be an article you will be reading to know what made me who I will become then, and you might find traces on why it happened. Because 2016 was not a bad year for me, it was the year that made me realize the shit that preceded all those years, and was the last year I would let it continue.

Until we meet again, ciao!