It was never easy
being me, and yet here I am, living as me, for I am perfect as no one else but
me, me, fucking me!
I had gone to watch a movie with grandma, and the movie was about a
woman who rises against all odds to become a respectable person. While she
didn’t enjoy the movie much, I was watching the movie the second time, so you
can imagine how much engrossed I was.
There I was, sitting while the credits rolled, showing the director’s
name, when grandma asks, “So she actually does that all by herself? She didn’t
have her husband supporting her, not even her daughter!”
“But she had that one friend who believed in her.”
“Yes, everyone needs one.”
Yes. Everyone needs that one
person they can rely on. It can be a friend, a mate, a family member, a parent,
a sibling, anyone. But there’s always a boosting factor that everyone needs at
certain points of their lives. The so called cause of success, while reason
being inspiration and motivation.
But the next question pulled me down suddenly. “So when are you going to
set your next short film?”
Quite frankly, I didn’t have any answer for that, for I was literally
falling off the hooks. I was failing to get producers and investors, and I had
set a team to whom I had been telling about postponing the dates for the past
three months. And they were still hoping for the project to be green-lit from
my side soon. And I was about to take the hardest decision of my life… to stop
making short films!
I had my reasons. To start with, the first short film had made me broke,
and I had just finished repaying the amounts my kind friends had lend me for
the shoot. But now everyone had their hands tied due to their own commitments.
And as I said earlier, I was finding it hard to get investors or producers.
But the worst of all were the people around me who gave the promise of
presence, but would be absent at the time of need. I tried setting the
storyboard, would fix everything, and they call me two hours after the
designated meeting time and tell me that they forgot, or they were busy, or
they didn’t have time. I found myself alone, and unfortunately, for making a
short film you had to have a team.
I was failing at every point, and the first short film was not raising
up to the mark in the case of views; the worst being the fact that not many
people were interested in watching it, for it seemed like a normal horror story
with good technical works (thanks to everyone who worked with me, for doing
your parts perfectly). But not a project with screenplay brilliance or good direction
(I got my reasons!)
To top it all, my parents dropped a big liability on me, for it is
expected for the son to fulfil his duty. So now, I am forced to give away
whatever I earned to the loan that they made for and by themselves, and somehow
it was all for me.
Anyhow, I was at the verge of making a decision, when the question
popped, and while riding back home I was coming up with an answer. And it was
obvious. I was tired of running alone, so
now I am gonna take a break. And why bother? It is not like anyone would give a
shit! It is just one man quitting! It wouldn’t make a difference!
I reached Irinjalakuda, and here I saw a teacher from my school, who
smiled and came to me and asked of my works. I didn’t know what to say, for she
was one of the very few people who discovered the artist in me. As I told her
that I have lost the game, she told me about her daughter. Nothing much, except
that she had joined an institution in Kochi, but the next words changed my
thoughts. “She was telling about her art classes. Same old plain ideas. When
she called me last time, she told me that if she had worked with Sachin, she
would have come across better ideas in just four days.”
The words just blew me off, as she continued, “Sachin! You may be thinking
of yourself as a loser. The way I find it, you hate yourself. But there are
many around who thinks otherwise.”
People only tend to see the negative when they want sorrow and pain. Pain
then becomes a drug, and a day with happiness just seems misplaced. I knew what
I was going through; I knew the tight spot I was thrown into. But to hell with,
while they wanted me to do what they want, I was supposed to do what I want!
Two weeks back I came across a college mate, who introduced me as “My
mate who dropped out of college to follow his dreams.” To everyone else, I was
a stupid dropout. To him, I was a dreamer.
When you think of it, there were many who believed in me, and they still
do. But more than that, there was me, the one person, the one soul that I was
to not disappoint. Because that soul belongs to a fucking artist.
So here I am stating it officially. I am taking a break from short
films. No, not a permanent one, just a small break until I can gather the
budget. And until then, I will be working on other projects, which for the time
being will just need me.
Why am I not gonna stop?
Because I am a fucking artist!
DESHI BASARA
P.S. Thank you Ammumma and Anitha Miss for being my points of
inspiration and support. And thank you Krishnadev and Manoj for still calling
me a friend.
P.P.S. Thank you Ammu, Nits and Justin, and Sajin and Varun, and of
course, Venma and Nivi for believing in me.
And most of all, thank you to the entire crew of Gouri… I promise this
won’t be the last project. There’s still more to come…
