Today when I went to see my friend, I was happy. It had been long since I had seen her. I also wanted to see her grandmother who was ill, and it’s been long since I had been with her family. It was always great to be with people who lived their lives rather make others live their own.
Having some chitchats with them, at one point my friend mentioned about one of my schoolmates, and said, “Did you know that he got placed?” At once I felt like, “What the…! I mean…Wow! Isn’t that great news?”
Now let me tell you about myself. I have got 23 arrears, and haven’t even thought about clearing them. In short, I am only a high school graduate, and haven’t passed out of college. So obviously, when I heard the news, it was burning in me.
And she continued, “And ********* has also been placed.”“He too?”
“And so is ******.”
“She too?”"And ******* got married"
"I am still single!"
"So what? Should she stop herself from getting married? And ***** is going for higher studies."
And she mentioned a dozen people. Now here is the part about jealousy. You may be really happy for your friends, but if they got a step ahead of you, and unless you are really great friends with them, you will be a lot more jealous, at least five more steps ahead than being happy for them.
Indeed, I was happy, but extremely jealous. And I can say that frankly, because even if I may be offered a position for the devil, I am never a saint. I had known half of what she had said, but hearing it altogether was not quite easy. And I was comparing myself with them, and suddenly she shot out, “Why do you have to compare yourself with them? The problem with you is that you are bothered most about you being involved in and about others.”
And that was where my bulb shined. Yes, that’s true! All my life I had been concentrated over comparing myself with others, that I had failed to recognize my own beauty. Now it doesn’t matter where they are, because they made a choice, and they are there. Now this is my party of life, I have made a choice recently, so my task now is to shut my ears and move on towards my dream (you can call it destiny). They were good at what they did, and they are doing it now, now that is exactly what I had to do…stop lamenting, start thinking and continue working.
After leaving the place I was going back home on my bike. My bike is older than the rain, because even in that rain, it was hot. But it didn’t bother me. Thoughts had been ramming in me. So foolish I had been for quite long.
There was another part of the talk, which I wouldn’t like to write out loud, but the essence is all the same. I am not a great man; I have made my share of mistakes. And I do not see them like stars shining in font of me and telling me my wrongs and rights, my friends do the part of the stars. But the least I can say is that I do learn from them.
This note is a confession statement from me. I have ignored around 107 people in my life, hated them for reasons I have made in my own mind, and that was what the jealousy that rose in me pointed out. Errors and mistakes can be corrected only by the prepared mind, and preparing it is quite a task. It is never easy apologizing, so I rather not do that unless I get the power to do it.
So why I am posting it here? To show people that if they are going through such a phase in their life, trust me…it is way too normal because the problems of mind are mostly self-created. What you want to have is your choice. Jealousy, hatred, fear, love…all is but a choice that could be chosen. I chose the wrong one unknowingly. But at least now I realize it.
Don’t trust my words. I may turn back to my thoughts again; living with the wrong thoughts for 6 years is not an easy task to be killed in 6 minutes. It will take time. But when the time comes, I shall be able to say that I am pure. Until then, I shall be jealous, and I shall be working towards my dream. And once I am set with the right mind, I shall be able to go back to them and try to be one among them as it used to be years ago and at that point I shall be at the peak of my dream. Because it is always easier to travel across the peaceful ocean than the storming one.
