The Last Nights

I looked at my self. So pale. So white. So beautiful. The powdered face. The reddened cheeks. The lustful lips. Oh, why couldn’t I do it that well before? Perhaps everything is meant for a certain time. And the white dress? Enigmatic! I am in love with me. Or was I? Had I ever loved myself? Wasn’t the desire to be loved for me to love my self?

People I had known once came by and looked at me. They just walked by. Can’t blame them, they never saw me more than twice. But then came my old colleagues, college mates, school mates…. Some were emotional, some were stone faced, and some were just….them.

Then followed the besties. I hadn’t seen them in a long time. The concubine I hid myself was still evident, and the distance thus created had created a difficulty for them. They may have perhaps cared for me, or maybe they never did. Does it even matter anymore?

The parents and siblings came in the end, who hugged me and cried. Their loss on a living asset, a back-up plan, insurance, investment property…. Was I ever their child? Or have they failed in making me realize they loved me?

It didn’t matter. The cut wrists, the blue-coloured neck, the swollen eyes. It was three strikes that went successful. And now I see my self in a relaxing state. That was all I wanted….peace ad no more tensions. Just my self with me. This was perfect. I was having me-time with my self.

I might have wished for parents to ask me to take a break, but they never saw me, only the money I made. I might have wished for my friends to tell me that I am not alone, but they only saw a clown. I might have wished that I had someone to remind me that failures are natural, and even if I have to fight the whole world, they will be there to remind me that I can do it.

May be they had it in their minds. May be they didn’t. But once you ‘accept’ that you are alone, you start pushing people away. You try to find solace on your own for you start making yourself believe that you have only you. And when you stumble more, you realize that everything around you except you had you. So you will move to the last, resort. It might be stupid for you. I might never have had any problems worth doing it. But at my state, it was a blissful choice.

After all, I wanted to know who would come to see me when I did so. And here you are…

Darn, the alarm. It was a beautiful dream. She wakes up and looks around. One more day of chores, daily works, failed attempts and lonely slumbers. OK, get off the bed now!

As she brushes her teeth, she looks at the mirror, and sees her self’s tired lonely eyes. They might have been in a pool of tears the previous night, may be cause of a movie she watched, or a book she read, or because of the absence of words that didn’t pour into the screen as she wanted even after two hours.

She gets dressed, and goes to her office. Another day goes by as another second. In between she eats, works, eats, laughs, eats and comes back. Routine takes up the actual joys of life.

She watches the final episode of the show, and tries to write. Instead, she manages to write more words into the written letter she had prepared three months ago. She then looks at the calendar. Tomorrow is Wednesday. Gotta do it on Friday. Everyone will be free on Saturday and Sunday. They will be able to come then.

I will be noticed. I will have many people around me. They will tell others how important I actually was.

I am going to sleep well tonight as well.

As she lies on the cot and closes her eyes, she simply smiles, not wishing to wake up for another day of routine.

It’s Friday in three days.

2016 – A year of learning

Many people have got some bad stories to tell about 2016. For some, it is the rule of Modi. For some, it is the newly elected US President. For some it was the death of celebrities, while for some others it was the terrorist attacks in various parts of the world. Nevertheless, 2016 did hurt many of us, as it did help us. After all, an individual is simply an entity who is part of the society whilst being an independent being.

2016 was a year that gave me many hurdles to go through. A year where I made many mistakes, was deceived, and came across many painful realizations. Normally I would lament over those, at least to the close ones, but I found myself being mum to everyone. And here I am, publishing it in my blog, just so that the future me will remember this year. This article could also be one for the future to learn about me.

The year started off like none other, with new opportunities in my job and the promise of a dream.  Day 1 started with me losing my spectacles; never thought life wanted me to prepare for literal blindness. Soon, an old work came back to me with a handsome pay, which for once would make me go through life in a better fashion. Of course the pay wasn’t beneficial to me, but it would at least relax my life, or so I thought.

Taking that part-time job took a toll in my job as well as my health. Credibility I was to earned were new opportunities for others, while falls fell on me. And family requirements were to be paid off with the extras I earned, causing me to get worried. Even worse, an eviction notice hung upon my neck.

I no longer could write, so I resorted to drinking. Eventually I got bored, and decided to move out to a single room, so as to write better. But even before I could finalize on my decision, I heard of how feeble life could be, by learning of the demise of someone I knew dearly. What hurt more was my absence in their life for prolonged years, even though they were nice to me.

Moving out turned out to be a depressing choice and loneliness haunted me. I moved back after three months, only to a different room, where life got all smokey. Confusion rang upon me, and failures in my work and lack of savings killed me. Occasional phone calls reminding me of rents and payments converted me into a human ATM machine. And to top it all, I wasn’t able to write.

To make myself feel better, I resorted to the short film I wanted to work on for the past 3 years. Only, midway through the project, deceit came in the form of a friend I had dearly cared for, and the project fell apart. While the sudden departure of the performer halted my short film, finding a replacement found to be tyrannous job. I posted on Facebook, asked people to share it, but no one responded. And to create a poster, I needed a designer, at which point I realized that I was too weak to get a favor from those i considered friends. Lack of interest from everyone except me came after the deceit, and the project withered away.

Trust issues arose, affirmed by my own family, who told me that I was a disappointment. I was a disappointment because I couldn't do what they wanted me to do, and rather did what I wanted to do. What they never realized was that I was still doing things for them. If I were to follow what I wanted, I could have broken away long before. The reason I chose a steady job for the present, which has inadvertently affected my works.

At this stage I started realizing that the belief that someone would be by my side at a crisis was a mirage. A lie I had been telling myself. In reality, the battles were mine alone to fight, the pains were mine along to suffer. Only the victories were for the rest to enjoy. The pains were mine. And all I had was pain, and do I could see how alone I was.

People came with words, but words have limits. Sometimes what we need is someone to tell us that ‘Mistakes are fine, mistakes are learning steps. Learn from it. You are not alone.’ Even when you have to battle the entire world on your own, the thought of someone having faith in you could restore the courage. My courage depleted like a deflated balloon by around November.

What hurt me the most was the distance that grew between me and my godson, and I knew that I was the only one to blame. And slowly, I found myself being away from many people, and now I find myself alone in a desert, no longer expecting anything from anyone, though the carving still exists within.

As a result of everything that has happened, I learned a few things. I learned that I was weak, a pushover, pessimistic, conservative, selfish, arrogant, loveless. I learned that not everyone is selfish, but no one is selfless. And so, no one will stand by your side, unless there is something they can have from it. I learned that I deserve no one, for I have nothing to give, and no one has time for someone who has nothing to give, not even family. In other words, all that happened this year, it was my fault. I have no one else to blame but me. I am a disappointment, but only to myself. (Now that sounds like a suicide note of depressed person, but I am not depressed; I am merely an attention seeker)

In December I moved to a completely new place, and set myself a working environment, where I am writing this today. I have learned many things, like not to trust anyone, keep a distance from all; if anyone approaches you with sympathy, love or care, they are doing so for their own benefit; the concept of family, friends and love is a lie. I was just a pawn for many; once the use was over, I was nothing to them. I was an ATM machine; once the money was drained, they didn’t need me until the next payday. I was a comedian; for every court needed a fool.

This year was painful. I was hurt. I was stranded. I was punished. I was laughed upon. I was criticized. Above all, I was thought some lessons, which might have toughened me. I no longer know who I am, and I no longer know if there is anyone worth trusting or loving anymore. But let it be. For the greatest lesson that I have learned is, “THIS IS LIFE. YOU EITHER FUCK, OR GET FUCKED!”

Ever heard of a story where the good guy lives a good long life? In every story, the villain has a long-lasting reign, a hero goes through pain, and in the end the hero defeats the villain, and all of a sudden it is happily ever after ending. People try to say that you are you suffer now to endure joy in the end. What is the point of three minutes of joy after three decades of pain? And where is justice, if the villain reigned for three decades only to lose in the last three minutes?

We have all been advised that good deeds result in good IN THE END. The bad will be paid IN THE END. Until then, the good suffers, and the bad enjoys. A purposeless journey for an unknown goal. So if present is the only thing that we are aware of, shouldn’t one choose to be content and happy, rather than work for an unknown future?

\Why would you listen? After all, these are just words like any others. Except one day, this will be an article you will be reading to know what made me who I will become then, and you might find traces on why it happened. Because 2016 was not a bad year for me, it was the year that made me realize the shit that preceded all those years, and was the last year I would let it continue.

Until we meet again, ciao!

മൃത്യുസംവാദം

മഴ തോർന്നപ്പോൾ തൊട്ടുള്ള ചൂട് തൻ്റെ ദേഹത്തെ പൊതിയുന്നത് ജോജി അറിയുന്നുണ്ടായിരുന്നു. പക്ഷെ ഫാൻ കറക്കാൻ പറ്റില്ല. തൻ്റെ ഉദ്യമം നടക്കില്ല. തൂങ്ങിയാടുന്ന കയറിനെ അവൻ വീണ്ടും നോക്കി. ഒന്നുമറിയാത്ത ആ പാവം ആടിക്കളിക്കുകയാണ്.

മനസ്സിൽ ഭയമോ, സങ്കടമോ ഇല്ല. പക്ഷെ ഏകാന്തത അവനെ വീണ്ടും അലട്ടി. "തീരട്ടെ. ഈ ഏകാന്തതയും, നഷ്ടസ്വപ്നങ്ങളും....എല്ലാം തീരട്ടെ."

അവൻ സ്റ്റൂളിൽ കയറിനിന്നു. പതിയെ ആ കയർ അവൻ അവൻ്റെ കഴുത്തിൽ കെട്ടി. "പെണ്ണിൻ്റെ കഴുത്തിലെ കുരുക്കാണ് അവളുടെ താലി." പണ്ടവൾ പറഞ്ഞത് അവൻ ഓർത്തു. ഒരു കയറിൽ തന്നെയാണ് അവളോടുവിൽ സമാധാനം കണ്ടെത്തിയത്. ഇപ്പോൾ പിന്നാലെ താനും.

അവൻ സാവധാനം കയർ മുറുകി. ചാടാൻ പേടി. പക്ഷെ ചാടണം. അപ്പോൾ തീരുമെല്ലാം. അവൻ തൻ്റെ കാലുകൾ ഉയർത്താൻ തുടങ്ങി. അപ്പോളാണ് അവൻ അതു ശ്രദ്ധിച്ചത്. തൻ്റെ പുറകിലാരോ നിൽക്കുന്നു.

അവൻ തിരിഞ്ഞു നോക്കി. വെള്ളം വസ്ത്രം ധരിച്ച ഒരു പടുവൃദ്ധൻ അവനെ നോക്കി നിൽക്കുന്നു. അയാളുടെ മുഖത്ത് ഭാവങ്ങളോ വികാരങ്ങളോ ഒന്നും ഇല്ലായിരുന്നു.

"നിങ്ങളാരാ?" ജോജി ചോദിച്ചു.
"നിൻറെ യാത്രയിൽ കൂട്ടു വരാൻ വന്നതാണ്.", അയാളുടെ മറുപടി.

ജോജി അയാളെ അടിമുടിയൊന്ന് നോക്കി. വാതിൽ അകത്തുനിന്ന് പുട്ടിയിരിക്കാണ്. മനസ്സിൽ സന്ദേഹമുയർന്നു. "കാലൻ....കാലനാണോ?"
"അങ്ങനെയും എന്നെ വിളിക്കുന്നവരുണ്ട്. മരണമെന്നും അന്ത്യമെന്നും...പലതും. മൃത്യുവെന്ന് വിളിക്കപെടാനാണ് എനിക്ക് ഇഷ്ട്ടം."
"എന്നെ കൊണ്ടുപോകാൻ വന്നതാണോ?"

അയാൾ അതെയെന്ന് മൂളി. ജോജിയൊന്ന് ആലോചിച്ചു. "നല്ലത്. ഒറ്റക്കു തീരേണ്ടല്ലോ!"
"തീരാം. തീരാതിരിക്കാം. തീർന്നാൽ നിന്നെ ഞാൻ കൊണ്ടുപോകും. ഇല്ലേൽ ആളുകൾ വന്നു നിന്നെ ആശുപത്രിയിൽ കൊണ്ടുപോകും. അവിടെയും ഞാൻ കാത്തുനിൽക്കും. നിൻറെ അവസാനം വരെ."
"അപ്പോ ഞാൻ എപ്പോൾ മരിക്കും എന്ന് നിനക്കറിയില്ലേ?"
"എനിക്കറിയാവുന്ന സത്യങ്ങളാണ്. ഭാവിയല്ല."

ജോജി തൻ്റെ കഴുത്തിലെ കയറഴിച്ച് താഴെ ഇറങ്ങി. മൃത്യു അവനെ നോക്കി.

"തീർക്കുന്നില്ലേ?"
"അറിയില്ല. എന്തോ, ഒരു ഭയം പോലെ."
"ജീവിച്ച നാളുകൾ കൈവെടിയുമ്പോൾ ഉള്ള ഭയമാണ്. എല്ലാവർക്കും, വിജയിച്ച വ്യക്തികൾക്കും അവസാന നിമിഷത്തിൽ ആ ഭയമുണ്ടാകും."
"മരണത്തെ വേൽക്കുന്നവരുമുണ്ട്."
"അവരുടെയും മരണഭയം ഞാൻ കണ്ടിട്ടുണ്ട്."
"എന്തിനവർ ഭയന്നു?"
"അറിയില്ല. എല്ലാവർക്കും അവരുടേതായ കാരണങ്ങളുണ്ട്. ഭയക്കുന്നതാണ് നല്ലതു. ജീവനുള്ളതേ ഭയക്കുകയുള്ളൂ."

ജോജി ഒന്നും മിണ്ടിയില്ല. മൃത്യു അവനെ തന്നെ നോക്കിനിൽക്കുകയാണ്. അതവനെ അസ്വസ്ഥനാക്കി.

"നീയെന്തിന് മരിക്കാൻ തീരുമാനിച്ചു?"
"ഞാൻ എന്തിന് ജീവിക്കണം?"
"അറിയില്ല. നീ ജീവിച്ചാലും മരിച്ചാലും എനിക്ക് ഒന്നുമില്ല. ആ വൃത്യാസം നിനക്ക് മാത്രമേ ഉണ്ടാവൂ."
"ജീവിതത്തിൽ ഒരർത്ഥവും ഞാൻ കാണുന്നില്ല."
"മരണത്തിലും ഒരർത്ഥവും ഇല്ല. ജീവിക്കുന്നു. മരിക്കുന്നു. അതിനിടയിൽ എന്തൊക്കെയോ ചെയുന്നു. അത്ര തന്നെ."
"അപ്പൊ ഈ ജീവിതം വെറുതെയാണോ?"
"നിനക്കെന്ത് തോന്നുന്നു? നിൻറെ ജീവൻറെ വില ഒരു മുഴം കയറിൽ ഒതുക്കാൻ തീരുമാനിച്ചവനല്ലേ നീ?"

ജോജിയുടെ മനസ്സൊന്ന് പിടഞ്ഞു. "ശരിയാണ്. ഒരു മുഴം കയറിന്റെ വിലയെ ഞാൻ എൻ്റെ ജീവന് നൽകുന്നുള്ളൂ. ഞാൻ സ്നേഹിച്ചവൾ എന്നെ വിട്ടുപോയ്യി. എൻ്റെ കുടുംബത്തിന് ഞാനൊരു അപമാനമാണ്. എന്റെ സുഹൃത്തുക്കൾക്ക് എന്നെ കൊണ്ടൊരു ഉപകാരവുമില്ല."
"എന്നിട്ടും അവരെന്തേ നിന്നെ മകനെന്നും സുഹൃത്തെന്നും സഹോദരന്നെന്നും വിളിക്കുന്നു?"
"ഞാൻ ജീവനോടെയിരിക്കുന്നതിനാൽ."
"അതു മാത്രമോ? നീ ജനിച്ചിട്ടും നിന്നെയവർ കൊന്നില്ല. നിന്നെ അറിഞ്ഞിട്ടും അവർ നിന്റെ സുഹൃത്തുക്കളായി. അവർ നിന്നെ സ്നേഹിക്കുന്നു. നീ എന്തേ അതു കാണുന്നില്ല?"
"അന്നങ്ങനെയായിരിക്കാം. പക്ഷെ ഇന്ന് ഞാൻ ഏകനാണ്."
"എല്ലാവരും ഏകരാണ്. ജനിക്കുന്നതും മരിക്കുന്നതും ഏകനായി. ജീവിക്കുമ്പോൾ ആരൊക്കെയോ വന്നുപോകുന്നു എന്ന മാത്രം."
"അപ്പോൾ ജീവിച്ചിരിക്കുന്നതിൽ എന്തു അർത്ഥം?"
"മരിക്കുന്നതിൽ നീ എന്തർത്ഥം കാണുന്നു? കണ്ണിലിട്ടാൽ കാഴ്ച്ച മങ്ങുന്ന മണൽത്തരികൾ തന്നെയാണ് നിന്നെ പ്രതിഫലിപ്പിക്കുന്ന കാണാടിയായി മാറുന്നത്. നീയെങ്ങനെ ഒന്നിന്നെ കാണാൻ ആഗ്രഹിക്കുന്നുവോ അതുപോലെയെ അതാകൂ."

ജോജിയൊന്നു ദീർഘമായി ശ്വസിച്ചു. "എൻ്റെ പ്രയത്നങ്ങളിൽ ഞാൻ പരാജിതനാണ്."
"പ്രയത്നിച്ചാൽ വിജയിക്കാം. പരാജയപ്പെടാം. നീ ചിലപ്പോൾ തോറ്റുകൊണ്ടു മരിക്കും. ഇല്ലെങ്കിൽ എപ്പോളെങ്കിലും ജയിക്കും. നീയിനി ജയിക്കില്ലെന്ന് എന്താണ് ഉറപ്പ്?"
"ഞാൻ തോൽക്കില്ലെന്ന് നിനക്ക് ഉറപ്പ് തരാൻ കഴിയുമോ?"
"എനിക്കറിയില്ല. എനിക്കറിയാവുന്നത് സത്യം മാത്രം, ഭാവിയല്ല."
"അപ്പോൾ ഞാൻ അനുഭവിക്കുന്ന ഏകാന്തത? ശൂന്യമായ ജീവിതം?"
"എല്ലാം തീർക്കാം. ഇല്ലെങ്കിൽ അതിജീവിക്കാം."
"ഏകനായും ജീവിക്കാം, അല്ലേ? പരസഹായമില്ലാതെ, സ്നേഹമില്ലാതെ?"
"സ്നേഹവും വേണം. പരസഹായവും വേണം. ഇല്ലാതെയും ജീവിക്കാം.  ഓരോരുത്തർക്കും ഓരോ രീതിയുണ്ട്. ചിലർക്ക് സ്നേഹമുണ്ടായാൽ ജീവിക്കാം. ചിലർക്ക് ഇല്ലെങ്കിലും ജീവിക്കാം. മത്സ്യത്തിന് വെള്ളം വേണമെന്ന് കരുതി പക്ഷിക്കും വെള്ളത്തിൽ കഴിയാം എന്ന് കരുതുന്നതിൽ അർത്ഥമില്ല."
"അപ്പോൾ ഞാൻ ആഗ്രഹിക്കുന്ന സാമീപ്യം?"
"ജീവനുണ്ടെങ്കിൽ നേടാം,നേടാതിരിക്കാം. ജീവനുള്ളതിനേ സ്നേഹിക്കാനാകൂ."
"അപ്പോ ജീവിച്ചാൽ സന്തോഷിക്കാം. ദുഖിക്കാം."
"സ്വന്തം പാത തീരുമാനിക്കാൻ ജീവനുള്ളതിനേ സാധിക്കൂ."
"മാനവജന്മമായി ജനിച്ചതിനാൽ, ശ്രേഷ്ഠമായ ജീവിയായതിനാൽ, ജീവന്റെ സപന്ദനം എനിക്ക് തീരുമാനിക്കാം, അല്ലേ?"

മൃത്യു ഒന്നും പറഞ്ഞില്ല. ജോജിക്കൊന്നും പറയാനും ഉണ്ടായില്ല. അവൻ ഫാനിന്റെ സ്പീഡ് കൂട്ടി. മരണത്തിന്റെ കുരുക്ക് വേഗത്തിൽ കറങ്ങി.

"മരിക്കുന്നില്ലേ?"
"ഇല്ല."
"ഞാൻ ഇവിടെ ഉള്ളതുകൊണ്ടാണോ?"
"അല്ല."
"പിന്നെ?"
"നീയിവിടെ വന്നു. നാളെ എല്ലാവരും വരും. ചിലർ എന്നെ കുറ്റപ്പെടുത്തും. ചിലർ ദുഖിക്കും. ചിലർ സന്തോഷിക്കും. അവരിൽ എന്നെ  സ്നേഹിക്കുന്നവരും വെറുക്കുന്നവരും ഉണ്ടാകും. എങ്കിലും എല്ലാവരും വരും. മനുഷ്യജീവിതത്തിന്റെ വില. അവൻ ചിലവഴിച്ച നിമിഷങ്ങളുടെ വില. അത് വെറുതെ കളയാൻ ഞാൻ വെറും ക്ഷുദ്രജീവിയല്ല."
"ആരാണ് ക്ഷുദ്രൻ? ആരാണ് ജീവി?"
"വിലയില്ലാത്തവൻ ക്ഷുദ്രൻ. സ്വബോധമില്ലാത്തവൻ ജീവി. കാഷ്ടം തിന്നുന്ന എലിയും പുഴുക്കളും ക്ഷുദ്രജീവികളാണ്. ഞാൻ വിലയുള്ളവനാണ്. മനസ്സുമുള്ളവൻ."

ജോജി കട്ടിലിൽ കിടന്നു. മൃത്യു അവൻ്റെ അടുത്തു നിന്നു. ജോജി അയാളെ നോക്കി. "നന്ദി."
"എന്തിന്?"
"എന്നെ പിന്തിരിപ്പിച്ചതിന്."
"ഞാൻ നിന്നോട് സംസാരിച്ചു. നാം രണ്ടും എന്തൊക്കെയോ പുലമ്പി. നീ സ്വയം എന്തോ തീരുമാനിച്ചു. "
"ഞാൻ നാളെ വീണ്ടും മരിക്കാൻ തീരുമാനിച്ചാൽ?"
"കൊണ്ടുപോകാൻ ഞാൻ വരും."
"വേണ്ട. ഞാൻ മരിക്കുന്നില്ല. ആർക്കും എന്നെ വേണ്ടെന്നു കരുതി. പക്ഷെ എന്നെ കൊണ്ടുപോകാൻ മരണം വേഗം ഓടിയെത്തി. മരണത്തിന് എന്നെ വേണം. അപ്പോൾ എനിക്കും എന്നെതന്നെ വേണ്ടിയിരിക്കുന്നു."

ജോജിയുടെ കണ്ണുകൾ മേലെയടഞ്ഞു. മൃത്യു അവനെ നോക്കി, പിന്നീട് പുറത്തേക്കും. അയാളുടെ മനസ്സിൽ ആവശ്യമില്ലാത്ത ഒരു വെറുപ്പ്. പെട്ടെന്നു ദൂരെ അയാൾ ഒരു എലിയുടെ ശബ്ദം കേട്ടു. ഏതോ ഒരു പൂച്ചയുടെ വായിൽ അകപ്പെട്ടു അവൻ പിടയുകയായിരുന്നു. ഉടനടി ഒരു നായ വന്നു പൂച്ചയെ കടിച്ചെടുത്തു. മരണാസന്നനായ ഏലി താഴെ വീണു. നായയും പൂച്ചയും രാത്രിയിൽ മറഞ്ഞു.

മൃത്യു ആ എലിയുടെ അടുത്തേക്ക് പോയ്യി. അതിനെ മേലെയെടുത്തു. അതപ്പോളും അവസാനശ്വാസം വലിക്കാൻ ശ്രമിക്കുകയായിരുന്നു. എവിടെയെങ്കിലും അതിനുമുണ്ടാകും സ്നേഹിക്കുന്ന, കാത്തിരിക്കുന്ന ആരോ.

"എന്തൊരു മനുഷ്യൻ!" മൃത്യു നെടുവീർപ്പിട്ടു, "മാനവ ജീവിതം ശ്രേഷ്ടം എന്ന്  കരുതുന്നവൻ. ഏകനെന്ന് വിശ്വസിക്കുന്നവൻ. സൗഭാഗ്യങ്ങളെ തട്ടിത്തെറിപ്പിച്ചു അതിനെ ന്യായികരിക്കാൻ ശ്രമിക്കുന്നവൻ. ഞാനറിയുന്ന സത്യം ഒന്ന് മാത്രം. ക്ഷുദ്രജീവിയെന്ന് നീ വിളിച്ച ഇവനും നീയും എനിക്ക് ഒന്ന് തന്നെ. സമയത്തിനോടും പിന്നീട് മണ്ണിനോടും അഴുകിച്ചേരാൻ വിധിക്കപെട്ട ജഡങ്ങൾ. ജീവിക്കാനും മരിക്കാനും, കൊല്ലാനും സ്നേഹിക്കാനും കാരണങ്ങൾ കണ്ടെത്തുന്നത് പക്ഷെ നീ മാത്രമാണ്."

മൃത്യു എലിയെയും കൊണ്ടു മേലെ നടന്നുനീങ്ങി. കാറ്റിനു പതിയെ തണുപ്പേറി. രാത്രി മരിക്കാൻ പോകുന്നു, പുതിയ പകലിന് ജന്മം നൽകാൻ.

ശുഭം 

The prologue to NAMELESS

“What is it that bothers you? That you do not know what you are going through? That you do not know the right word for the kind of music you play, or the emotion you feel? You do not have to name everything, you see! Everything were here before, and will be here after as well. It is just our desperate need to define everything that made everything end up with a name. And those without a name always confuses us.

“But it is understandable to be troubled by something you do not have a name for. I can relate to that. Twenty five years ago, I had faced the same situation, when I came across Ayesha on the roadside. She was barely eighteen, while I was near my thirties. My cycle had almost grazed her, she was staring at me, and I was staring at her.

“People tried to call it love, lust….They always wanted to name what we had. We started meeting often, we would go out, for movies, to parks, to restaurants. We stayed together several times. And people wanted to give what we had names.

"And when her brothers pulled her away from me, accusing her of adultery, I knew there was no word to define what we had. So when she was dragged away, I waited, and the next night I eloped with her to this city.

“Here she enrolled in a college, I got a job. We stayed together. She completed her studies, took a job as a journalist. Then she met this Christian guy. She didn’t want anything from him, except be the mother of his child. So the arrangements were made. She became pregnant. And he left, and she was happier that he never came back.

“Later, two years after you were born, she saw how connected I was with you, so she said, ‘Let’s get married! You can then be whatever you are to him, officially.’ Quite frankly, I didn’t know what it was that I had for you. But I went ahead with it. And never have I regret the past 25 years.

“And now, here’s a word. Irony. You ask me, a man who never knew what he had with a woman for more than two decades, a man whose wife doesn’t have words to describe everything she did, a parent who doesn’t know why he got into your life, you ask me, what is the word that defines your stories, emotions, reasons and causes? Frankly, I do not know. May be there isn’t a word for it. May be there is.

“But then again, there is a word for those that do not have a name. So you can name your band that. A band that doesn’t have a name for its genre, or stories, or emotions…

“You can call it NAMELESS!”

Author's note: This is a prologue to a screenplay I am working on. And I would like to know your thoughts on it.

The fight worth fighting for

 We fight for many things. We fight for a better tomorrow. We fight for better materials. We fight for various causes. We fight for many reasons. We fight for love. We fight for hatred. We fight for family. We fight for friends. We find reasons to fight a fight, and we struggle hard to win the fight.

We fight to ensure that we do not lose the love of our life. We fight to ensure that the one we loved once will never come back to us. We fight for the welfare of the company we work. We fight to betray the team we work with. We fight to buy the new iPhone that came out last week. We fight for the retro car that is the earliest model of Ford.

We fight for a dream that we have been nurturing since the beginning of ourselves. We fight for a dream that we just conceived a moment ago. We fight for the friend we had known for more than a decade. We fight for the child who was born just a second ago. We fight for a religion. We fight against a religion. We fight for a cause. We fight against a cause.

We fight for reasons we never understand. We fight because we feel that is what we must do. We fight because we know that we are fighters, born to fight for what we desire. Nothing comes free. Everything has a price. To win what you desire, you have to fight.

But what is it that you desire? What is it that you want? What is it you gain? More importantly, what is the fight worth fighting for?

I believe that it is the memory of the fight that is worth fighting for.

You may lose, or you may win. You may gain or you face pain. You may love or you may hate. You may be praised or you may be teased. It doesn’t matter, for words will fade, people will go away, but the memories and the emotions close to them stay.

If you remember something that makes you cry, you have fought a fight worth fighting for. If you remember something that makes you smile, you have fought a fight worth fighting for. If you remember something that elevates your heart beat, you have fought a fight worth fighting for. If you see something on the wall that you gained after so much effort, you have fought a fight worth fighting for. If you think of the thing you lost and worry about it, you have fought a fight worth fighting for. If you see the one you loved with someone else and feel mixed emotions, you have fought a fight worth fighting for.

In the end nothing will exist. In the end, only the memory of your journey remains. In the end, it is not what you gained or lost, who you gained or lost, where you went or why you did a thing wouldn’t matter, except the journey itself. It is the journey that we fight for today, for it is the memory to be remembered tomorrow.

So let me tell you what I believe. Close your eyes. Let a memory flow to you. Does it prick your heart? Does it raise your heart beat? Does a tear drop trickle down your cheek? Does a smile appear on your lips?

Is it a memory you own?

Then you fought a fight worth fighting for.

So keep fighting, for your fight today, is your memory tomorrow.

(Image Courtesy: The Truman Show)

Everyone deserves a hug

Man is a sensuous being. His eyes are made to see. His nose is made to smell. His ears are made to hear. His tongue is made to taste. And his skin, it is meant for the most amazing feat of them all, to feel.

Some great philosophers have stated many things about feelings, but the one we all know is a simple sentence: SKIN DESERVES TO BE TOUCHED. And it is true. Sometimes everyone desires to hold the hair of the loved ones, to feel the smoothness of the skin over the lips, to feel the hand over the hand….to be lost in the world of wordless emotions. To be able to feel without having to depend on other senses.

But time has flown. And technology has given way to other senses rather than to the skin.  They try to give more emphasis to the eyes, nose, ears or tongue, and give less importance to the skin. And when the skin is ignored, the other senses become dull, and people search for other sources of emancipating their senses. They find solace in drugs when they don’t find friends. They find solace in sex when they don’t find love. They find solace in what they shouldn’t for they find it not in what they have.

Parents have forgotten how much a kiss matters. Wives have forgotten how much a brush of lips matters. Husbands have forgotten how much closeness matters. Friends have forgotten the joys they get from each other. Lovers have forgotten anything beyond the bedroom. When the skin is devoid of feelings, man turns into a beast. He doesn’t turn into an animal, for an animal cares. He turns to a beastly machine that uses humans and adores materials.

Everyone deserves a hug. A hug can destroy voids. A hug can make love blossom. A hug can reassure friendship. A hug can create magic. A hug can lift pains and sorrows. A hug is a medicine, a cure, a drug everyone needs. A hug is a word from the universe, a way of it to say that we all belong to each other and we can ensure that further with a hug.

Man finds himself empty without compassion. He is lost, troubled, confused about himself. He needs an assurance, an assurance from his fellow mates who say “I’m here for you.” He needs the promise of togetherness. He needs love, care, console. He needs compassion. He needs a hug.

Everyone deserves a hug. The wife and husband should hug often. The lovers must hug often. The friends must hug more. The teacher should hug the student. The boss must hug the employee. One needs to hug and be hugged by another. It is an action of love and care, which requires no kiss, no words, no sex, no desire. A hug can evade the illness and evilness in people’s mind. A hug can create solutions to problems, answers to questions. A hug is a nod to love. A hug is the acceptance of one another. A hug is a step closer to the universe that binds you and me.

Everyone deserves a hug. You do. I do. We all do.

Everyone deserves a hug. Now. And later. And tomorrow. Every time and every day.

Who did you hug today?

My Oscar Predication List of 2015

Hey everyone!

I know that last year I missed my Oscar predictions, but this time I am not planning to miss the show, especially because they have got some really good entries this year. And this year, we have the amazing Neil Patrick Harris hosting the show, and we have got some amazing nominees such as Boyhood, Whiplash, Theory of Everything, Interstellar, and so on. Though I am disappointed about Jennifer Aniston not being nominated, and for not seeing Gone Girl in any other list (it would have won for screenplay, hands down!), I must admit that there were movies that literally grabbed my heart and played with it.

Long story cut short, here is the list of those who I think will be the winners of the year. (P.S. When the winners are announced, the blog will updated likewise)

Blue - The ones I got correctly
Red - The ones I got wrong

1. Best Motion Picture of the Year: Boyhood OR Whiplash {Winner: Birdman}
2. Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role: Eddie Redmayne (Theory of Everything)
3. Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role: Felicity Jones (Theory of Everything) OR Rosamund Pike (Gone Girl) {Winner: Julianne Moore (Still Alice)}
4. Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role: J.K. Simmons (Whiplash)
5. Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role: Patricia Arquette (Boyhood)
6. Best Achievement in Directing: Alejandro González Iñárritu (Birdman)
7. Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen: Wes Anderson, Hugo Guinness (The Grand Budapest Hotel) {Winner: Alejandro González Iñárritu, Nicolás Giacobone, Alexander Dinelaris, Jr. and Armando Bo (Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)}
8. Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published: Damien Chazelle (Whiplash) {Winner: Graham Moore (The Imitation Game)}
9. Best Achievement in Cinematography: Emmanuel Lubezki (Birdman)
10. Best Achievement in Costume Design: Colleen Atwood (Into the Woods) {Winner: Milena Canonero (The Grand Budapest Hotel)}
11. Best Achievement in Sound Mixing: Craig Mann, Ben Wilkins, Thomas Curley (Whiplash)
12. Best Achievement in Editing: Barney Pilling (The Grand Budapest Hotel) {Winner: Tom Cross (Whiplash)}
13. Best Achievement in Sound Editing: Brent Burge, Jason Canovas (The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies) {Winner: Alan Robert Murray and Bub Asman (American Sniper)}
14. Best Achievement in Visual Effects: Paul J. Franklin, Andrew Lockley, Ian Hunter, Scott R. Fisher (Interstellar) OR Richard Stammers, Lou Pecora, Tim Crosbie, Cameron Waldbauer (X-Men: Days of Future Past)
15. Best Achievement in Makeup and Hairstyling: Elizabeth Yianni-Georgiou, David White (Guardians of the Galaxy) {Winner: Frances Hannon and Mark Coulier, (The Grand Budapest Hotel)}
16. Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures - Original Song: Selma: Common (as Lonnie Lynn), John Legend (as John Stephens) - Song: "Glory"
17. Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Score: The Grand Budapest Hotel: Alexandre Desplat OR Interstellar: Hans Zimmer
18. Best Foreign Language Film of the Year: Ida (Poland)
19. Best Animated Feature Film of the Year: Big Hero 6 OR How to Train Your Dragon 2
20. Best Achievement in Production Design: Adam Stockhausen, Anna Pinnock (The Grand Budapest Hotel)