A walk to Freedom

On 10^th of December 2005, something happened to me. Something fell like the water fall from a height. It could not come back, and it created a gash, though water is harmless. I took that incident, and turned it into my greatest pain. And the great pain gave way to a greater fear. A fear that never left me.

Until that fateful night.

On 17^th of October 2014, I was asked to go to Varkala, for fun, with my office mates. The fear that had been hooded in me for a decade took hold of me. I first rejected, then opposed, and finally I was submitted. Even in the last minute, due to picnic, I tried to back out. They didn’t let me do that.

What great deed from friends you have not known for long!

And I went with them. It was the best decision I ever chose (though not made by me).

After a four hour long drive, we reached Varkala, and stayed at Deshadan Resorts. And I had drinks. I even had a glass of bare rum without water, and I did not regret it. It is indeed quite a revelation to know that rum doesn’t give you any hangover headaches (but it does give you red eyes and a burning heart for 15 whole minutes!)

But yes, I did wake up at 12 noon next day. And I wanted to experience more. So I did the first thing I had to do to keep myself away from my routine. I removed my glasses, and didn’t wear them the entire day. Next, I switched my phone off. And I accompanied my friend to the beach.

Have you ever been to Varkala Beach? It is not actually a beach. It is a cliff followed by the beach, and immediately followed by the infinite Arabian Sea. We had to walk through some twisted roads, before we reached the cliff, where I looked down at the beach, and ahead at the infinite world. For a minute, I thought I was standing on a mountain at the edge of the world.

My friend guided me to the beach. The softness of the sand. The coolness of the water. The moody clouds. With the waves hitting my legs, I wasn’t even bothered about me getting wet. Soon the waves hit me, and the rain poured onto me. I was wet like a turkey in Christmas. But I wasn’t done yet. I went to the sea, and the sea embraced me. I felt free.

Back in the hotel I found myself swimming in the pool. I didn't join the games, because it isn't easy to play with your jeans on! But later we had a nice brunch (yeah...at 3 p.m.!), and later we walked to the beach again. This time the entire team enjoyed the sunset and the sea breeze.

We all have problems, many things to worry about. But standing there, at the edge of the world, I realized something. This earth is so big. The solar system is so much bigger. Then there's the galaxy, the universe, and many more things I do not know. Maybe we are living in a globe in some kid's room as we speak!

But the truth is...I was designed by someone. Call me a loser. Call me a dropout. Call me a lousy writer, or a day dreamer. But in this last world, I, the tiny speck, was designed to e a writer, filled with dreams and ambitions. And if I was designed perfectly in this big vast world, it only means one thing.

Someone up there expects me to keep going, no matter what happens!

It is true that I will still be cribbing and complaining. And I know that nature will reciprocate my moods. And I know this.... I will keep going. Falls and rises are meant for those who move ahead. And I shall move on...

That day...for the first time in my life, I felt free with nature....

Image Courtesy: Jishnu Vediyoor

Deshi Basara...

It was never easy being me, and yet here I am, living as me, for I am perfect as no one else but me, me, fucking me!

I had gone to watch a movie with grandma, and the movie was about a woman who rises against all odds to become a respectable person. While she didn’t enjoy the movie much, I was watching the movie the second time, so you can imagine how much engrossed I was.

There I was, sitting while the credits rolled, showing the director’s name, when grandma asks, “So she actually does that all by herself? She didn’t have her husband supporting her, not even her daughter!”

“But she had that one friend who believed in her.”

“Yes, everyone needs one.”

Yes. Everyone needs that one person they can rely on. It can be a friend, a mate, a family member, a parent, a sibling, anyone. But there’s always a boosting factor that everyone needs at certain points of their lives. The so called cause of success, while reason being inspiration and motivation.

But the next question pulled me down suddenly. “So when are you going to set your next short film?”

Quite frankly, I didn’t have any answer for that, for I was literally falling off the hooks. I was failing to get producers and investors, and I had set a team to whom I had been telling about postponing the dates for the past three months. And they were still hoping for the project to be green-lit from my side soon. And I was about to take the hardest decision of my life… to stop making short films!

I had my reasons. To start with, the first short film had made me broke, and I had just finished repaying the amounts my kind friends had lend me for the shoot. But now everyone had their hands tied due to their own commitments. And as I said earlier, I was finding it hard to get investors or producers.

But the worst of all were the people around me who gave the promise of presence, but would be absent at the time of need. I tried setting the storyboard, would fix everything, and they call me two hours after the designated meeting time and tell me that they forgot, or they were busy, or they didn’t have time. I found myself alone, and unfortunately, for making a short film you had to have a team.

I was failing at every point, and the first short film was not raising up to the mark in the case of views; the worst being the fact that not many people were interested in watching it, for it seemed like a normal horror story with good technical works (thanks to everyone who worked with me, for doing your parts perfectly). But not a project with screenplay brilliance or good direction (I got my reasons!)

To top it all, my parents dropped a big liability on me, for it is expected for the son to fulfil his duty. So now, I am forced to give away whatever I earned to the loan that they made for and by themselves, and somehow it was all for me.

Anyhow, I was at the verge of making a decision, when the question popped, and while riding back home I was coming up with an answer. And it was obvious. I was tired of running alone, so now I am gonna take a break. And why bother? It is not like anyone would give a shit! It is just one man quitting! It wouldn’t make a difference!

I reached Irinjalakuda, and here I saw a teacher from my school, who smiled and came to me and asked of my works. I didn’t know what to say, for she was one of the very few people who discovered the artist in me. As I told her that I have lost the game, she told me about her daughter. Nothing much, except that she had joined an institution in Kochi, but the next words changed my thoughts. “She was telling about her art classes. Same old plain ideas. When she called me last time, she told me that if she had worked with Sachin, she would have come across better ideas in just four days.”

The words just blew me off, as she continued, “Sachin! You may be thinking of yourself as a loser. The way I find it, you hate yourself. But there are many around who thinks otherwise.”

People only tend to see the negative when they want sorrow and pain. Pain then becomes a drug, and a day with happiness just seems misplaced. I knew what I was going through; I knew the tight spot I was thrown into. But to hell with, while they wanted me to do what they want, I was supposed to do what I want!

Two weeks back I came across a college mate, who introduced me as “My mate who dropped out of college to follow his dreams.” To everyone else, I was a stupid dropout. To him, I was a dreamer.

When you think of it, there were many who believed in me, and they still do. But more than that, there was me, the one person, the one soul that I was to not disappoint. Because that soul belongs to a fucking artist.

So here I am stating it officially. I am taking a break from short films. No, not a permanent one, just a small break until I can gather the budget. And until then, I will be working on other projects, which for the time being will just need me.

Why am I not gonna stop?

Because I am a fucking artist!

DESHI BASARA 

P.S. Thank you Ammumma and Anitha Miss for being my points of inspiration and support. And thank you Krishnadev and Manoj for still calling me a friend.

P.P.S. Thank you Ammu, Nits and Justin, and Sajin and Varun, and of course, Venma and Nivi for believing in me.

And most of all, thank you to the entire crew of Gouri… I promise this won’t be the last project. There’s still more to come…

The dare to do the new

We all have that one moment when we stand under the umbrella and look at the rain, wondering how good will it feel to simply step into it. We may most probably be under a roof, or under the umbrella, under its safety, that we simply look at the rain at sigh. Because when you want to do something different, lot questions arise. How difficult is it going to be? Where will I reach? Will I get what I want? Where is this leading to? What will others think? What will I do?

We are so immersed in the questions that we fail to take a step ahead. We prefer staying under the safety of the umbrella. But you have to realize that you are not meant to stay dry for the rest of your life. At that point all you have to do is throw away the cover you are holding, and simply walk into the rain.

At first it is going to feel good. But then you are not meant to stay there. To enjoy the rain you have to walk in it. It is not going to be easy. The rain will get harder. The wind will start pushing you backwards. The raindrops will be like bullets on your skin. People will look at you, laugh at you, call you a fool. They will laugh when you get pulled down, when you lose your step. They will say "I told you so" and stay under their covers. They will call you insane. But to enjoy the rain you have to walk ahead.

When the rain grows harder, you will find yourself in the flood. The flood with strong current and flow. But you have to move forward. It is going to be extremely difficult, but the more you push, the more you will enjoy it, because there is no more fun that doing what you like doing.

And when you struggle hard doing what you like to do, even nature will help you out. And finally you will reach the shore, from where you can look back at the people on the other side, the ones who laughed at you, staring at you and exclaiming, "He did it!" And you can laugh then, because when they could do it, you just did it!

But that is not all, for you have just crossed a lake. And now you are standing still. Ahead of you is a river, ahead of which is a sea, further is an ocean, further a planet, the solar system, the galaxy, the whole universe for you to cross. But it doesn't matter. Because you are not going to stop.

It is going to be more difficult. It is going to be tougher. But it is going to be fine. Because the universe wants you to do it. He who dares to do the new is the one who shall make a change. So all you have to do is run and jump, because my friend, there will come a time when you will look back at all the hurdles you have crossed, and you will say to your grandchild, "I had an umbrella once! I threw it away, and it made all the difference."

For it is better to be insane in an imperfectly sane world.

Thank you Robert Frost, William Ernest Henley, Paulo Coelho and Mother Nature for making me realize this.