2016 – A year of learning

Many people have got some bad stories to tell about 2016. For some, it is the rule of Modi. For some, it is the newly elected US President. For some it was the death of celebrities, while for some others it was the terrorist attacks in various parts of the world. Nevertheless, 2016 did hurt many of us, as it did help us. After all, an individual is simply an entity who is part of the society whilst being an independent being.

2016 was a year that gave me many hurdles to go through. A year where I made many mistakes, was deceived, and came across many painful realizations. Normally I would lament over those, at least to the close ones, but I found myself being mum to everyone. And here I am, publishing it in my blog, just so that the future me will remember this year. This article could also be one for the future to learn about me.

The year started off like none other, with new opportunities in my job and the promise of a dream.  Day 1 started with me losing my spectacles; never thought life wanted me to prepare for literal blindness. Soon, an old work came back to me with a handsome pay, which for once would make me go through life in a better fashion. Of course the pay wasn’t beneficial to me, but it would at least relax my life, or so I thought.

Taking that part-time job took a toll in my job as well as my health. Credibility I was to earned were new opportunities for others, while falls fell on me. And family requirements were to be paid off with the extras I earned, causing me to get worried. Even worse, an eviction notice hung upon my neck.

I no longer could write, so I resorted to drinking. Eventually I got bored, and decided to move out to a single room, so as to write better. But even before I could finalize on my decision, I heard of how feeble life could be, by learning of the demise of someone I knew dearly. What hurt more was my absence in their life for prolonged years, even though they were nice to me.

Moving out turned out to be a depressing choice and loneliness haunted me. I moved back after three months, only to a different room, where life got all smokey. Confusion rang upon me, and failures in my work and lack of savings killed me. Occasional phone calls reminding me of rents and payments converted me into a human ATM machine. And to top it all, I wasn’t able to write.

To make myself feel better, I resorted to the short film I wanted to work on for the past 3 years. Only, midway through the project, deceit came in the form of a friend I had dearly cared for, and the project fell apart. While the sudden departure of the performer halted my short film, finding a replacement found to be tyrannous job. I posted on Facebook, asked people to share it, but no one responded. And to create a poster, I needed a designer, at which point I realized that I was too weak to get a favor from those i considered friends. Lack of interest from everyone except me came after the deceit, and the project withered away.

Trust issues arose, affirmed by my own family, who told me that I was a disappointment. I was a disappointment because I couldn't do what they wanted me to do, and rather did what I wanted to do. What they never realized was that I was still doing things for them. If I were to follow what I wanted, I could have broken away long before. The reason I chose a steady job for the present, which has inadvertently affected my works.

At this stage I started realizing that the belief that someone would be by my side at a crisis was a mirage. A lie I had been telling myself. In reality, the battles were mine alone to fight, the pains were mine along to suffer. Only the victories were for the rest to enjoy. The pains were mine. And all I had was pain, and do I could see how alone I was.

People came with words, but words have limits. Sometimes what we need is someone to tell us that ‘Mistakes are fine, mistakes are learning steps. Learn from it. You are not alone.’ Even when you have to battle the entire world on your own, the thought of someone having faith in you could restore the courage. My courage depleted like a deflated balloon by around November.

What hurt me the most was the distance that grew between me and my godson, and I knew that I was the only one to blame. And slowly, I found myself being away from many people, and now I find myself alone in a desert, no longer expecting anything from anyone, though the carving still exists within.

As a result of everything that has happened, I learned a few things. I learned that I was weak, a pushover, pessimistic, conservative, selfish, arrogant, loveless. I learned that not everyone is selfish, but no one is selfless. And so, no one will stand by your side, unless there is something they can have from it. I learned that I deserve no one, for I have nothing to give, and no one has time for someone who has nothing to give, not even family. In other words, all that happened this year, it was my fault. I have no one else to blame but me. I am a disappointment, but only to myself. (Now that sounds like a suicide note of depressed person, but I am not depressed; I am merely an attention seeker)

In December I moved to a completely new place, and set myself a working environment, where I am writing this today. I have learned many things, like not to trust anyone, keep a distance from all; if anyone approaches you with sympathy, love or care, they are doing so for their own benefit; the concept of family, friends and love is a lie. I was just a pawn for many; once the use was over, I was nothing to them. I was an ATM machine; once the money was drained, they didn’t need me until the next payday. I was a comedian; for every court needed a fool.

This year was painful. I was hurt. I was stranded. I was punished. I was laughed upon. I was criticized. Above all, I was thought some lessons, which might have toughened me. I no longer know who I am, and I no longer know if there is anyone worth trusting or loving anymore. But let it be. For the greatest lesson that I have learned is, “THIS IS LIFE. YOU EITHER FUCK, OR GET FUCKED!”

Ever heard of a story where the good guy lives a good long life? In every story, the villain has a long-lasting reign, a hero goes through pain, and in the end the hero defeats the villain, and all of a sudden it is happily ever after ending. People try to say that you are you suffer now to endure joy in the end. What is the point of three minutes of joy after three decades of pain? And where is justice, if the villain reigned for three decades only to lose in the last three minutes?

We have all been advised that good deeds result in good IN THE END. The bad will be paid IN THE END. Until then, the good suffers, and the bad enjoys. A purposeless journey for an unknown goal. So if present is the only thing that we are aware of, shouldn’t one choose to be content and happy, rather than work for an unknown future?

\Why would you listen? After all, these are just words like any others. Except one day, this will be an article you will be reading to know what made me who I will become then, and you might find traces on why it happened. Because 2016 was not a bad year for me, it was the year that made me realize the shit that preceded all those years, and was the last year I would let it continue.

Until we meet again, ciao!